How I'm Learning That God Loves Cheese

I am flawed, just like a piece of Swiss cheese.  It's a strange analogy but it's what came to mind first.  I've been struggling my way through life lately, trying to understand where I fit and what God has planned for my future.  I feel like I'm completely failing at whatever it is He wants me to do, partly because I don't know what it is and partly because I, myself, am getting in my own way, and His.

I do horrible things every day.  I know I do.  I get on Tumblr instead of painting.  I save my writing assignments until the night before.  I watch CSI when I should be studying Spanish.  I also care too much about what people think of me, which hinders me from speaking my opinions in my writing class, or anywhere else for that matter.  I fear things that shouldn't be feared.  I'm sabotaging myself, and I'm fully aware that I'm doing it.  I know it even BEFORE I do it.

But I still do it, and later I hate myself for it.

For the longest time I've felt like I have to get myself out of this rut before God would even consider looking at me.  I've always felt like I have to fix myself and be perfect before he could ever love me.  I know I have to do my part, but I've always held the belief that God would only help me if I was always 'good' and ignore me if I wasn't.

Oh, you guys...I'm only realizing now that's entirely the WRONG way to think.  Yes, I have to try, and yes I have to work towards fixing myself, but I don't have to do it alone.  He isn't just here to save me from 'the world.'  He's here to save me from myself too.

For those of you who ever thought I was perfect, I never was, and I'm still not.  I'm still learning and trying to change.  The other day I even participated in a discussion in class and the world didn't come to an end.  I'm learning that it's okay to get things wrong sometimes and that sometimes you have to paint a bad painting or draw a bad drawing and let it stay bad and be OKAY with it.

I don't understand it, but God loves my Swiss cheese self.  In the midst of a bad week that makes me smile, and it fills my whole body with relief.  So later on in the semester after I've forced myself back on track but I leave an assignment to the last minute, I can talk to Him about it and ask Him for help...and He'll listen.

He's there "in the beauty and the sin."

My trashcan is overflowing with tissues but I feel better now.